


The Sun.

by pacw0man



Series: If I. [2]
Category: K-pop, SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, F/M, Heartbreak, Homophobia, Implied Sexual Content, Internalized Homophobia, Los Angeles, M/M, Mingyu POV, Mingyu's dad is an ass, Post-Break Up, Weird time settings bc???, bit of trauma, sad boys, side soonhoon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-25
Updated: 2018-01-25
Packaged: 2019-03-09 07:56:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13477071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pacw0man/pseuds/pacw0man
Summary: It had never been Mingyu’s intention to end things like that.It had never been Mingyu’s intention to end things, period.





	The Sun.

**Author's Note:**

> This the "second" part of the Icarus meanie shot i posted, which was Wonwoo's pov.  
> This is Mingyu's pov, and while Wonwoo's ws more emotional biased, in Mingyu's you see more action and more of why their relationship ended.  
> I'm sorry for the pain tho lol.

It had never been Mingyu’s intention to end things like that. 

It had never been Mingyu’s intention to end things, period.

But there was something close to a dull ache that even know, a few months after leaving the home he had known and loved in South Korea, far away from the claws of what had slowly but surely become a toxic relationship, hurt. His chest tightening and eyes watering because he still remembered every fight and every word both of their mouths had set free in the dying moments of their relationship.

Mingyu loved Wonwoo with every single cell in his body. Mingyu loves Wonwoo. 

But now, Mingyu is gone.

He had received an excellent offer from an extremely prestigious college in America months back, something regarding how his grades and his potential in sports was something their basketball team would love to include, giving him the chance to even end up debuting in the NBA alongside other great stars. When it first came into the mail he was quick to dismiss it, not even a second glance, letting the letter under the pile of sheets to study. He was happy there, playing in not-so-professional competitions, his friends waiting for him after every game where they have cheered on him until their voices were raspy and they claimed they needed a good beer to heal their sore throats, and Wonwoo. Wonwoo was always there, a tiny smile dancing on his lips and stars shining in his eyes as he craned his head back slightly. He always looked so full of pride for Mingyu, even when he lost a game, that the feelings on his chest busted with a new force every time, and he was sure he was going to die for the love he felt for the older, hands finding their way back home in Wonwoo’s hair before kissing him senseless, ignoring the groans from their mutual friends.

Maybe he did die for Wonwoo after all.

 

 

-

 

If you were to ask Mingyu, he wouldn’t be able to pinpoint the exact moment when their relationship had started to go downhill. He could vividly remember their first moments together even without having to think too much about in the first place. Hell, he could write pages and pages about the first time him and Wonwoo had ever meet, the older sitting on one of the couches in Seokmin’s place, nose scrunch up in the way it always did when he was genuinaly amused, eyes trained on two males in front of him, who he will later learn were Soonyoung, Wonwoo’s best friend, and Jihoon, Soonyoung’s boyfriend.

Mingyu could still feel how the time started to slow down and how his breath died down on his throat when, face still all scrunched up, Wonwoo had looked at him for the first time ever. He had probably looked stupid, smiling adoringly at someone whose name he didn’t even knew in the first place, yet so beautiful that all his insides churned and from that day on only one thing clouded Mingyu’s mind, above anything that had seemed important to him before:

He wanted to make Wonwoo smile like that forever.

That night, he ended making Wonwoo laugh so much after spilling his drink all over his soft blue shirt and making a total fool out of himself that the older was on the brinks of tears, face all scrunched up and breath failing to get out of his lungs in a coherent pace, so much that he had to put his head on Mingyu’s shoulder to try and recover, and Mingyu loved every single minute of it.

And maybe he wasn’t so much of a fool if he actually got the name and number of the other.

 

 

-

 

 

 

Strolling down the busy streets of Los Angeles had become and habit in Mingyu’s routine, even more when the dark clouds started to fill his head and the puppy-like boy needed an escape.

Before, Wonwoo had been his escape. Now, it is the main reason why Mingyu needs to escape.

 

 

-

 

 

Even from the start, there had been things going on Mingyu life that Wonwoo couldn’t ever comprehend. It had been a constant fear nagging the back of Mingyu’s head, repeating itself over and over again, and even though he tried really hard to suppress it, his demons would always surface again. Wonwoo couldn’t ever comprehend because even if he was indeed as Korean as Mingyu, his family and friends have been a lot more accepting of his sexuality, something Mingyu could only dream of.

Wonwoo had grown in a lovely home, two parents at home providing all the necessities for their two sons, two beautiful boys and A+ students. One, a little bit shy, the other more of a ruckus, but both healthy and happy as they could be. The Jeon family had been the envy of many, with only one little “flaw” in their perfection: their oldest was gay. 

And yes, Mingyu knew it wasn’t a bad thing, but from his own experience he had been expecting to hear a heart-breaking coming out story, yet Wonwoo only laughed good naturedly. Turns out, Wonwoo’s parents never judged his son, instead they encouraged the raven-haired to search for his happiness, with whoever his heart chose. Which was quite surprising coming from what seemed to be a traditional Korean family, not mixed traits anywhere.

Wonwoo had been lucky, surrounding himself with many others who shared his sexuality or landed anywhere on the LGBT community. You just had to look at Wonwoo’s best friend since childhood, Soonyoung, who had been going out with Jihoon for a few months when Mingyu met them, or the pretty long-haired boy that they would usually meet, who was seen with both girls and boys and it never really bothered anyone. Even those who weren’t queer were accepting and respectful. So Wonwoo was lucky to grow acknowledging his own sexuality at a young age and embracing in tightly, unafraid and as if it was the most natural thing in the world to love another boy instead of a pretty girl.

And yes, it is the most natural thing in the world, but in Mingyu’s book things were a little different.

Since he was a child, Mingyu has always had a lot on his plate, more than many others would have at his age. When he was 6, his parents filed out the paperwork to get a divorce, bringing the first of many shames to their family. At home, Mingyu was faced with a very loving mother, who assured him it wasn’t his fault that amma and appa didn’t love each other, trying to protect his son in the way only a mother can, but still something felt off in the back of little’s Mingyu mind. When he came out of school he would be greeted with the face of dads who had just got out of work to fetch their sons and daughters and take them home. Mingyu, on the other hand, would have to go back home alone most of the time, his mother absent and too busy working now that she had to keep them up.

Maybe it was plain jealousy what had brought him to search for his dad when he was only 9, too tired of judgemental stares and hushed whispers about how his father didn’t love him. He was going to find his dad, and then things would be okay again, in his innocent mind he was sure he would convince his dad to go back to him and Mingyu’s mother.

What Mingyu never knew (partly because Mingyu’s mother wanted him to have a good memory of a father that was never there in the first place) what how of a toxic person his father actually was. And he never really got it, not until many years later, maybe when it was already too late for him.

It took Mingyu a whole year to find his dad, somehow thankful that his mother came home late and way too tired to do much more than ask about school and prepare the food for the next day, before falling asleep almost instantly. Now that Mingyu thinks about, his mom really did everything for the ungrateful little brat he had as a son. The first time 

Mingyu knocked on hi father’s door, the older man was wearing a plain black suit, pristine in a way that seemed almost cold, but little Mingyu couldn’t care less, and with his dirty hands hugged the way older man.

Mingyu’s father always asked him to visit him on his workplace instead of his home, for reason Mingyu never asked about, way too happy about having a father finally. Thing is, his father was severe and after seeing that it was his son who has reached out for him, he acknowledged him as his, but in the end, it would have been better for Mingyu if the older had turned his head on him. He didn’t want Mingyu per se, but a perfect man “as one should be”, which meant that Mingyu should excel, not only on his studies (thing he   
never actually did), but also in sports and any other stereotypical masculine thing, reassuring himself as a man.

His father turned him into the perfect man, the sun anyone would love to follow.

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

Part of being the perfect son, for his father, was being masculine, yes, but also as straight as one could be. His father had implanted in him seeds of an internalized homophobia Mingyu had always been afraid of admitting. 

“Look at those faggots” his father had spat the words at the shoes of his 13-year-old son as they watched some random tv show from America in his lunch break. Little Minyu looked up to his father, face full of confusion because of the new word.

“They are sick, that’s not even natural” he added, eyes still glued to the tv and a lok of disgust on his face. On the tv, two boys looked at each lovingly, not even touching, and Minyu couldn’t understand why that was so wrong. “Boys can’t love boys”.

That was one of the first times, and that night Mingyu had come back home with uneasiness in his guts, making him want to puke. He thought to himself he must have got food poisoning, because admitting that the words of his father had made him want to puke because he felt as if he would never be loved by his own father at such a young age was too much for his little head.

The night he understood, years later and after Wonwoo had taken him in his mouth for the first time in a stall of the bathroom of the Seoul Museum on their second date, making him feel heaven for the first time in his life, a religious experience forever imprinted on the back of his mind, he cried and puked. Mingyu cried, imagining his father looking at him with the same hate he had seen on his face so many times, and he puked, because it was too much, because he felt sick of what he had done, because he couldn’t handle it.

That’s why he never told the person he admired the most, his father, he was potentially gay and dating a boy, who was possibly the love of his life. That’s why he never told his mother or Wonwoo that sometimes he still saw his father.

Maybe that’s why he, in the end, knew he would end up hurting Wonwoo.

 

 

-

 

 

Sometimes regret would hit Mingyu, square in the guts and make him lose his balance and breath, most often that not after waking up after dreaming of nose scrunches and soft lips on his neck that felt way too vivid, but after years of feeling, Mingyu could swear the shape of Wonwoo’s lips have been tattooed everywhere in his skin, mocking him forever. 

When Wonwoo and him started dating, everything went smooth and sweet, they were the perfect couple in love, with everything in their joined hands, a mess of limbs until you couldn’t tell where one and ended and where the other started. But things had started to go downhill somewhere along the path because Mingyu, behind the beautiful mask of a perfect, confident young man, was insecure and sometimes jealous, and Wonwoo was detached, independent, and in the end, Mingyu always knew Wonwoo could do much better   
without him. That’s why he always was the first. The first to kiss, the first to say “I love you”, the first to break.

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

Another meaningless party Mingyu has thrown himself in, because he has always been a social butterfly and even if he was miles away from his home, he still needed physical contact with other humans. He had been lucky, having signed himself up in a program that his university offered, helping foreign students to blend in with the rest, and even luckier because soon enough he had found Jackson, a hyperactive Chinese boy who was always more than happy to make friends. Mingyu couldn’t hide his smile when the boy had told him his nationality, his mind going back to his best friend back in Korea, the one he had left without saying a word and who he was sure will kick his ass when he comes back. If he does ever, in the first place.

Coming back to the present day, Jackson have become a close friend, always hanging around with him on his dorm and helping him know more people, mostly Koreans to help him battle the homesickness, but little did Jackson knew that he has more than okay with no contacting another Koreans, because sometimes a sharper gaze would remind him of another pair of eyes that would look at him, sharp yet loving, and it made his insides burn.

Mingyu found his place in Jackson’s group of friends, nevertheless, the 7 loud boys made him feel at home and he was happy to share his last moments of summer with them.  
Los Angeles is changing Mingyu and his form of life. His hypermasculinity, instructed by his oh so loving father, and the bits of the internalized homophobia he had always had in the back of his mind disappearing as his surroundings helped to see that, who he loved was not the matter, but the way he loved. Los Angeles was so much free, the couples melted under the blazing sun together, without minding the gender of the two persons. He could see girls hugging and giggling into the mouths of another girls, he could see girls and boys on a loving date. He could see boys hand in hand with other boys, sweet gestures of love and sweet gazes sharing without a fear because no one really cares, no one really minds.

His father would have hated it here, but Mingyu loved it.

And now he was in another meaningless party, music way too loud that will let a constant beeping in his ears, booze way too cheap that assured everyone on the party that they will end up with a sick hungover, bodies way to close, the sweat rubbing on dancing bodies and everything together creating an intoxicating aura that Mingyu couldn’t help but love. As much as he hated to admit, this are the moments where he feels the freest, when he can stop being the sun and the moon takes his place, and he can just hide and not be the perfect son, the perfect student, the perfect athlete. When he can be just Kim Mingyu, not tags to be added. His intoxicated mind helps his body to sway side to side, the dancefloor a blur of colours and hair flowing, and before he can comprehend what is happening a body is grinding against his, curves on every right place, long blonde cascading on the smooth expanse of skin that was shown because of her top, lips plump and pink and infinitely soft looking, and light eyes looking up at him under longs darks eyelashes. 

This girl is everything his father would love for him, and everything Mingyu would love as a random hook up.

But, later that night, when he is pressing her against the mattress of whoever house he is in, even when his mind is clouded with alcohol, he can’t help to think how wrong it feels. 

Because her lips are slotting themselves on his neck and they are soft, but she wont scrap his teeth against his adam apple as Wonwoo would. And her nails are digging themselves on his shoulders blades as he grinds down, but they won’t made him feel grounded. And her chest is pressed against his, but the smooth expanse of her naked chest isn’t flat and won’t fit like it’s the piece Mingyu has been missing all this time. And she is moaning under him, but it isn’t low and sultry and when her eyes meet his, eyes aren’t sharp, and the lust is not the same. 

And when he is inside her he knows he’ll climax in the end, but it won’t feel right. Because like every time he does this, even when he is intoxicated out of his mind, he still wishes it was Wonwoo under him and not any random boy and girl.

And every time he does this, he feels like is cheating on Wonwoo.

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

Mingyu was insecure. Everything from his past haunting him like ghosts, always afraid of never being enough, of never being loved, of being replaced, of being abandoned like his father once did. Maybe that’s why he moulded himself to fit in the expectations his father had for him. Maybe that’s why he always went the extra mile for any of his friends. Maybe that’s one of the reason why his relationship with Wonwoo started to go downhill. Mingyu knew some enough that the older boy was an introvert, and shy of any loving ministration, and he was ready to respect that, because after all he loved Wonwoo so much from the start.

And he always knew, his heart always screaming at him, that Wonwoo loved him as much as he loved the older, that Wonwoo would do anything and more for him. But his mind was louder sometimes, and even is his heart screamed at him that he was being childish and irrational, that Wonwoo has shown his love for him a thousand times, his minds always whispered on his ears, covering any other sound, when Wonwoo would shy away from him in public, yet he would let Soonyoung or Junhui fuss all over him, holding him and manhandling as they pleased, yet he couldn’t even hold his boyfriend hand.

And yes, he was being totally irrational because Soonyoung had a boyfriend and Junhui was like that with everyone, but still it irked Mingyu, fist clenched by his sides and he had to look away. And then his mind would choose that moment to start toying with him, to move the gears on his brain in the wrong direction. 

“He hasn’t even told you he loves you yet” it would whisper full of venom.

“It seems like he is in for the sex, Gyu” his breath fell short as if has were holding his neck and slowly choking him.

“What you two do is sick anyway, two boys?”

Mostly, those times ended in a full-on fight, sometimes in front of everyone, other times in private, but always with the decomposing body of their love on the ground, beat to almost dead by the other one and other would spat. The words stinging so much, Mingyu had to run, sometimes alone, sometimes to the arms of his best friend.

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

“I don’t get it, Gyu,” The younger Chinese male said after a sigh, looking at his friend with his brows furrowed. “why do you still keep going at it?”

“I love him, Hao” Mingyu would answer, cringing at the sound of his own voice after crying so much. “I love you him way too much.”

“You’re killing each other.” It was a statement.

“You know nothing about being love” Mingyu spat back, trying to defend, exactly what?

“I know it shouldn’t let you like this. And don’t give me that bullshit of ‘every couple fights’, because no one fights like this” the older always knew Minghao was right, he seemed to be wiser than Mingyu would ever be, but he wasn’t the one tangled in a complicated relationship as Wonwoo and his.

“I can’t imagine a life without him, Hao…” he whispered now, way too tired and emotionally drained after everything.

“I love you, Mingyu. You are my best friend. But you two are toxic for each other” his tone was now slower and calmer, like he was talking to some wounded animal and even if Mingyu wanted to get angry at his friend, he couldn’t.

Mingyu laid there in silence, thoughts going wild when he felt the bed dipping and Minghao’s hand slowly caressing his hair. Minghao knew, better than everyone, what was going on his head, the wild thoughts and the insecurity, but as much as he had tried, he could never make it go away, so he opted to stay by his friend side, showing him he wasn’t alone.

That was when Mingyu remembered the university offer sitting on his desk, and that’s when he took the decision to leave, because Minghao was right, and he couldn’t live in a world where having Wonwoo meant hurting him and hurting himself.

He had broken the promise he had made to himself, the smile he swore would always stay on Wonwoo’s face long ago gone and replaced with hurt and tears, and he couldn’t take it anymore.

The day after he emailed the university to let them know he would take on the offer and called his mom to let her know, before preparing silently without telling anyone.

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

Mingyu is lounging on his dorm room, Jackson and Mark keeping him company on a boring evening when any of them have the will to do anything. He couldn’t help but to smile watching the two boys’ antics and it fills his heart with melancholia as he remembers all of his friends, and specially Minghao. He contacted the Chinese male not so long ago, and after appeasing him and assuring him that he was okay, he had told him everything that had been going and his decision to leave, motivated for the need to get better and to help all of friends to detoxicate of the last months. He had reluctantly asked about Wonwoo, scared as the name left his lips and ready to be slapped with the harsh reality and his worst nightmares coming true that Wonwoo was a lot better without him. But when Minghao told him that Wonwoo hadn’t left his room in weeks and that from what Soonyoung had told them everyone was worried that he would end up falling in some kind of sickness or something worse, what he felt was the remnants of his world coming down, the sudden urge to leave everything behind and come back to him, to get him out and heal his wounds with endless kisses. But then again, what right did he have to do that? They both had been killing each other with every word on every fight, but he obviously gave Wonwoo the final blow, reducing him to… that. So, he couldn’t comeback and try to put back the pieces of something that he had broken like he had any right to.

Instead, he asked Minghao to take care of him, and Minghao only sighed, because after all they were best friends and they would do anything for the other.

“Mingyu?” Jackson’s hand in front of his face wakes him up from his memories, eyes blinking until they focused on the black-haired man in front of him. Looking around he realizes Mark is gone.

“Sorry, I was thinking in… shit” he answers, still unfocused.

“You were thinking about…. Him, right?” The question throws Mingyu off, not because it is a lie, but because even when Jackson knew about Wonwoo, he never had brought up the topic before. Mingyu sighs, hands treading into his hair before nodding slowly.

“Yeah I just… It’s hard, you know?” and he is sure Jackson doesn’t know, because he still hasn’t experienced anything like that.

After that, Mingyu is quick to change the topic to something lighter, laughs filling his room again, but somehow the back of his mind keep moving and working without him realizing.

At night, when his eyes are closed, and he is imagining a thousand and one different scenarios where he and Wonwoo are together and happy in the multiple universes, the realization hits him so hard that he has to open his eyes. His heart has resolved himself not to get over Wonwoo, but to heal Mingyu, so if he ever gets the chance to have Wonwoo again, he won’t love him endlessly, but right and free.

Because before, Mingyu had been the Sun for everyone to see and he had been burning inside with the blind force of his own fake light, but he will become the Sun for himself so the lights he casts will be gentle and will make the flowers grow and the smile on Wonwoo’s face bloom.

**Author's Note:**

> It seems like i love channeling my sadness into my boys lmao.  
> Anyway, this is the second part of Icarus, but i was wondering.... should i turn this into a fic?  
> Like a few years later and this serves as a pre-quel, what do you think?  
> Anyway, come and scream at me on twitter @offcialhao or just let me know you thoughts on the comments!
> 
> Thank you for reading!  
> Pac x.


End file.
